Breast Cancer Awareness Month

October is known for many things, but the one that has my thoughts and my heart, is Breast Cancer Awareness month.

2014 started out as a great year for me but soon April came and , it took a turn, for what I thought at the time and for months afterwards, for the absolute worst.  Easter weekend was a special one for our family as we gathered for a weekend of festivities!  My oldest brother and his wife, were blasting off to New Zealand on a new adventure for 2 years, and my Mom was about to celebrate her 85th birthday!!

It turned into a nightmare of epic proportions, but it also taught me to learn how to live and how to cope with my mental health and other issues.

May 2014 was my 50th birthday and I had plans to make it a BIG one, if you know what I mean!! I was slated to get my mammogram but I had put it off as I was dealing with bigger fish in my mental health. I put it off for AN ENTIRE YEAR!! Can you imagine!!!

May 2015, my family doctor called and chastised me for not getting it down a year ago, so off I went and made an appointment!! I was twisted, bent and moved in to all kinds of weird and funky positions, that I just wanted it to be over with.  I remember the tech saying “Don’t be surprised if you get a recall phone call as that is standard procedure, so don’t worry.”

That call came but it also came with an “you have an appointment in London with Dr. Rajgopal.”  No explanation, no nothing, just a message left for an appointment.  Now how deflating is that do you imagine? There was not an explanation when I called my family doctor other than “just go.”  Imagine how much your mind wanders, and wanders and then wanders some more when you think there is no place else for it to wander off to.

So off I went with my hubby in late July and met a really nice doctor, not realizing until he came in, that he was a surgeon at the Breast Cancer Health Centre at St. Joseph’s Hospital in London.  He explained that there was a rather significant lump in my left breast against my chest wall and he would like to do some biopsies to make sure all was good.  How in the hell did that appear? How come I never felt it? What the $&^# is going on. He assured me that the tech in Goderich, did a fantastic job in finding it as it was in a very tricky spot.

So long story short, my girlfriend took me in late August to have some biopsies done.  Now that is an interesting process where you get bent and twisted some more, but they do provide freezing and to be honest, I was deep in to my meditation that I fell asleep only to be woken up about 20 minutes later.  The staff informed me that they did 8 different biopsies and the results would be in the next few weeks!

We got the results of the biopsies in mid September and all was clear.  Whew, a relief indeed!! However, my surgeon is one that is extremely proactive and he suggested that I have surgery to remove the lump as “hell you don’t need it there.” and we agreed.  Surgery got booked for December 1st, 2014 as it was not an urgent case.

Surgery came and went and then the results on December 15th and that is a day I will never forget.  We were fairly certain all was good and then the floor fell from beneath us. My husband was with me holding my hand and when the surgeon AND the nurse walked in, my heart sank to a depth I truly did not know existed and it took a long time for me to drag it back out.  The surgeon sat quietly for about 2 minutes and then sat rather apologetically, “I am as stumped as I have ever been in my career, as I truly believed that there was nothing to be concerned about. But, inside the 2 cm lump, was a tumour of cancer.”  CANCER CANCER CANCER WTF? That hit me like a ton of bricks and my response “how is that possible there has not been any dramatic weight loss.”

My cancer tumour was the size of the end of a pen/pencil in a 2cm size lump!! My cancer was an Estrogen based cancer that meant it was a good one to get (if there is such a thing). My cancer meant it was not aggressive, that it did not bind with any other cells other than estrogen. My cancer was Stage 1.  My cancer was Grade 1.  My cancer in that lump now meant I had to have a second surgery.  My cancer meant a sentinel node biopsy now and on December 29th, 2014, I had that surgery! My cancer meant I now I have 2 scars on my left breast.  My cancer was beatable. My cancer did not spread to my lymph nodes.  My cancer meant 15 doses of radiation.  My cancer meant starting off 2015 off work and seeking treatments.  My cancer was not going to beat me nor was it going to win at any cost.  My cancer was caught early.

My cancer journey was such a steep learning curve and made me ask questions every day when receiving my radiation treatments. My cancer was journey was short compared to some horror stories you hear and read about. My cancer keeps me going back for annual mammograms. My cancer has made me help and support people that are going through their own journey now.

I am blessed that the events of April 2014 did happen because, that tumour may never have been found and left to grow and rear her ugly head when least expected.

My cancer was named “Beatable” and that is how I chose to live my life now!! You are and were “Beatable” you miserable little bitch!!

So ladies and gents, under no circumstance fret about a squishing of the breasts, because for the short period of time it is uncomfortable, will sure as hell outweigh hearing those words

“YOU HAVE CANCER.”

Be your own advocate and check them!! And if you notice something strange, be proactive instead of reactive!!

So yes, October holds a special place in my heart!!

Spirit Animal Sightings

The damselfly, a cousin of the dragonfly, is an interesting creature in it’s own right. I have just started truly paying attention to what is around me, no matter where I am, and am becoming in tune with nature.  How in the world, did I not pay more attention until these past 8 months?

These stunning creatures are nearly as old as time, dating back to flying over 300 million years ago!! Just think on that for a few minutes…300 million years ago!! I cannot remember most times what I did a week ago and that seems like a long time ago.

I have been spending more of my spare time, becoming one with nature, going on hiking trails, watching for creatures big and small, observing new bird songs, driving and sitting at some local ponds wondering what I may capture, and just simply, trying to understand what nature is perhaps telling me.

When sitting by a local pond one day this week, hoping to catch some new birds, several of these beautiful insects, were flitting about.  Such a bright blue, irridescent color and unusual movements, compared to their cousin, the dragon fly.  Up until now, I would have thought this to be a dragon fly, but after researching, there are distinct differences between these creatures.

There are four distinct differences between them and here they are~~~

1. The first clue is the eyes…..a dragon fly has large eyes that take up most of their head and wrapping around from the side to the front of the face.  A damselfly has large eyes as well but there is a distinct space between them.
2. The body is the next clue as the dragon fly has a much bulkier body, creating a shorter and thicker appearance.  Damselflies on the other hand,  have a body that looks like a very narrow twig.
3. When it comes to the wings, they both have 2 sets of wings but that is the only thing in common. A dragon fly wings to not match in their shape.  Their hind wings have a broader base, making them larger than their front wings.  A damselfly has the same shape and size of both sets of wings as well as tapering down where they join the body, becoming quite narrow.
4. Finally, when the dragon fly is at rest, they hold their wings out perpendicular to their bodies, making them look like an airplane. Damselflies fold their wings up and hold them together across the top of their backs.

As with any of the other creatures I have been spotting, I am curious as to their meaning and if it impacts me somehow.  Knowing the symbolism of the Cardinal, perhaps the dragonfly is showing up when I need it as well?

The dragonfly and its cousin, the damselfly, symbolize good luck, strength, peace, light and transformation, harmony, opening of one’s eye and maturity, to name a few.

These creatures inhabit two realms, air and water. A dragonfly person can be very emotional and passionate during the early years (the influence of water) and as they mature, mental clarity and control become more balanced as they mature (the influence of air).

It is also known as the essence of the winds of change and bringing with it a message of wisdom and enlightenment.

So I began to wonder if there is a message being sent to me as I begin to see more and more of these magnificent creatures cross my path.  Could it be good luck? Well there has been no lottery ticket winnings, but then again, luck does not always have to be in the form of money or material things.  I would say, that may be a hard one to figure out.

It also says it is a symbol of strength and peace.  I can agree that I have had to find the strength and dig deep of late, to pull me out of a “funk” of depression that I have been in and provide me with the ability to recognize it and move forward. Multiple sightings proves that I do have the strength to do this, as I have done before. Peace does come naturally to me when I practice my mediation but I now believe that the message is that I need to reboot that portion of my daily practice as I have totally been slacking.

I will continue to keep this creature and its meaning in the back of my mind and reach deep inside to discover it’s wisdom and power.

Not everyone is going to agree that we are given signs and become curious as to what they may be or mean.  I am not that way anymore as I want to learn about nature and what she brings to us and receive the messages that she is sending. There must be something to it if our ancestors and the native indiginous people believe it them.  It makes me now curious as to whether I have a true spirit animal, and what it is and means.

Next project, researching that !!

 

What does the Cardinal mean?

The old wives tale about a cardinal sighting near by has come to mean a great deal to myself over the past 3 years. I have always been lead to believe that a cardinal showing up is a sign from a loved one who has passed. But it according to what I have been reading, it is so much more.
My mom passed away suddenly 3 years ago at Easter time and I don’t think that I have truly come to terms with that. The situation leading up to her sudden passing, has angered me and is still not resolved, but shall be in good time, I hope!

The Latin word for cardinal is “cardo” meaning hinge or axis. So if you use the analogy of the hinge on our doorway, it is opening the pathway between us on earth and those we love in heaven. It opens to send messages back and forth when the time arises. A cardinal can then be our winged messenger from heaven, coming when we need it the most.

The cardinals name also derived from the high ranking clerics of the Catholic Church, who wear bright red rich robes. The word cardinal can also be a sign of something of a primary or essential quality, such as “cardinal direction.”

I have been struggling for about 6 weeks, in a “funk” so to speak, not doing my daily rituals of mediation, of using my essential oils, walking Boston 5K every other day and so on.  I am not 100% sure why, but I know that if I truly dig deep, my depression is hovering on the surface and is not willing to let go. In these 6 weeks, as I look back, a pair of cardinals have returned and show up at our feeder in the front tree.  He sings loud and clear all around us in a 2 block radius and she answers him quietly as well.

So I have been asking myself a few questions of late, as the cardinals arrive daily, at different times and in different locations.  This picture I have posted, is of the tree outside my workplace.  He was sitting perched for all to see, singing loudly this morning and did not fly away for about half an hour.  There is a purpose I am certain so I asked the 3 questions~~~

 What or who am I thinking about at the moment I spotted him?

I have been thinking of my Mom lately and sad that she is not here to witness the birth of her first and second Great Grandchild within a few months of one another.  She would be over the top excited for the parents.  I have been planning on making baby quilts for the babes and so wish Mom was here to help me shop for the perfect material and help with the sewing of the binding as I have trouble with that part.

Looking at another article that details the meaning of a cardinal sighting, it also suggests that that one needs to look at an area in your life where you are, or should be, a leader and is your confidence in this area, shaky?

In this case, this rings very loud and very clear as I have just been offered a part time teaching position at Fanshawe College.  A part time PROFESSOR!! What? And my head is spinning and my confidence is shaky to say the least.  It is something that I know about but am I qualified enough to teach students to prepare them for a career? The offer came out of the blue as I had not been looking, but I did love when I taught all those years ago for the MOH.  I need to think long and hard about this one!! Shaking things up is not always a bad idea! Lots to think about and discuss with hubby 😉  So is the cardinal telling me to stand up, lift my head high and take pride in myself, knowing that I can be a Professor? It most certainly could be.

Did I ask for Guidance from the Spirit or ask for help to find an answer to an important question?

The important question I have been struggling with is “Why can I not stick with something for more than a few days/weeks?” I go in spurts of walking with Boston 5K every other day for a few weeks and then fall of the wagon, so to speak. The walks become more of an effort instead of a joy, and I am sure I can pinpoint this on always believing that I can always talk myself out of doing something and never sticking to a plan, because that is how I roll. Never successful in following through with things….especially where my health/weight is concerned. And I KNOW I NEED TO after having a diagnosis of breast cancer!! Hell I am SURVIVOR in that one!! But I believe it was more luck on being caught early, than on anything I did (sure didn’t change my eating habits to healthy and cancer preventing foods).

The red feathers of the cardinal are linked with fire, the element of activity, vitality and passion.   Perhaps the cardinals coming to visit is providing the wisdom and giving me the energy I need to get back on my feet and exercising!! I know my mental health is healthier when I do get out and walk and perhaps the cardinal is saying, shake up the exercise regime and do different things and all will start to fall back in to place.  The bright red feathers bring a smile to my face and lift my spirits indeed.

Red is also the colour of the Root Chakra~~the energy centre that is responsible for our stability, our survival and our security.  Feeling unsettled in any one of these areas, has a tendency to produce anger and in turn, have depression rear her ugly head.  Being so unbalanced could very well be the root of all that is going on. So a sign that I need to grab a hold of myself and start moving forward.

A visit from a cardinal does indeed bring me peace and the knowledge that someone is always watching over me, at the times when I need it the most and is bringing me peace. And for that, I am eternally grateful xo

 

 

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